We shall not overcome.

Ok, so it's about time i did/said wrote this.

Sit-skiing.
I've done a bit.
First season.
Started in September at the Chillfactore or chilf (in joke).
I was doing pretty well there in a tessier, on a mono and was actually having runs without falling over!

Then i came to Canada for my gap year, hoping to learn how to ski and spend lots of time skiing. I've not had a solid season. I've had a season of bursts and shoots and that's kind of taken it's toll i guess.

I've also had a season of a lot of different sit-skis...i referred to myself as a "ski ho"by March...having skied in a Tessier, prasch, revolution and now finally a hoc!
I've also skied in quite a few different places...so therefore i've also had a lot of different instructors.
Which is fine. Really it is, i'm at a stage in my life where i'm very teachable (never ever mouldable) but i listen and take on board and in every single school report below the "Laura needs to concentrate more and stop talking" there has always been "Laura is a pleasure to teach"...:D

But sit skiing is different. It's not History, there's no dates to learn. It's not politics, there's no core notes. It's not lit, there's no essays. It's sit skiing. You are you, on a mountain in a piece of a equipment and your body and your brain and an instructor and extra person to pick you up when you fall. And it's not about thinking, it's about feeling...something i have trained myself to not do when i'm in a "learning" environment...even though "feelings" are what have driven me to learn and do the things i've done. It's these last few weeks i've realised i'm so glad i decided to do what i'm doing and "get out" and...well feel and then do what's right. I think you can train yourself not to feel.

There is a point to this. Bare with me. (Yes, i still write how i talk.)

So you get different instructors just like you get different teachers and they all have their own way of teaching, own way of understanding and so you have your own way of learning from them. For someone who does what she wants...i'm constantly thinking about others. And constantly forgetting about myself...and when i do think about myself it can often be pretty negative...i stop that and think about other stuff!
Well with sit skiing...you don't do that. You don't even think about yourself...and that's what was happening. I'd stopped thinking about others and then began to think negatively about myself and how my spine just will never be bloody well straight. How can i ski? Skiing is all about being perfectly balanced and straight and well...um...ye, that's me sitting up straight. (Shows how much work i used to do at college...look at the revision going on...getting people to take pictures of my spine whilst...revising politics...)

And when i get down on myself. I get down on myself. I become extremely frustrated over tiny things and constantly try to change something and "overcome" parts of me. And fail, because you can't overcome how your body "is" yes, you can i suppose go and have an operation...(that sort of goes wrong and paralyses you.) and make things as good and as "normal" as they can be but there are some parts of you that you can never change. And my wonky-ness is one of them.

So this anger and frustration at myself due to having to constantly explain about my spine to different people and trying different things to compensate turned into anxiety...as i was having terrible crashes and was constantly tense from it all. And by the end of February i had back tracked onto a bi-ski, on tether, with no confidence or self belief in my ability whatsoever.

But i carried on because...well, it's what i do. In any challenge in life...i don't give up!

So after many ups and downs i decided to go up to Whistler...i've skied at Whistler before and made great progress there and now i have my own beautiful sit ski...i might as well try and get used to it and a place where i'm pretty comfortable. The best thing about Whistler is the skiing is chilled out...my instructors spend all the time we have going up the gondola or magic carpet or chairlift making sure my head is calm and body is calm so i can ski. And i could see, and my instructors could see how crazy my anxiety is. How loud and noisy and all over the place my brain is (Though some people would call this intelligence) and how it's affecting my skiing and how i was constantly, and i mean constantly getting angry at my spine and trying to somehow make it straight when i turned and then...fall over...

And then it just sort of hit me. Like a painful high side that makes your shoulder pop out...self embracing Miss May? Where's all that stuff gone? All those words about accepting and embracing who you are within the everyday normal concrete and boring laminated floor boarded world we live in. Why don't i just actually now start to practically and physically embrace it when i ski because...i know how to ski. I just need to find my own way. I have my own way, we all have our own way just mine is totally the opposite way to how it should be...but that's ok.

So i did. i thought about bits of my body i know and how they work and feel and what i do...so to go with my ski when i turn right i have to tilt my head a little, when i turn left none at all...and i could ski! I still fall over, i still lose my balance and i still hit the snow with my outrigger but...i've definitely found my own way by not trying to "overcome" anything just by accepting that this is my way and if it looks odd then...get over it, because i have.

And then my lovely favourite bearded boy with a guitar from the south west of England released a single...and it had a b-side song. I'd heard it before, live at the gig i went to in november. He introduced it saying how it was about not being really very good at sport at school and doing things your own way. I was never any good at sport at school but i'm good at my own type of sport in my imaginary school and i most definitely do have my own way of living.

So i guess this song appeared at the right time in the right place and honestly...since my week in Whistler i feel so much happier with myself and who i am as a person. I'm less self conscious, i'm less worried about what people think, and i really love how my mind has calmed down. It's still mad and bright and all over the place but i'm ok and i know what to do when it's going into overdrive.

See...there's this irritating worldly obsession with perfection and things being a certain way and if something is done a different way...then it's wrong. Well my entire life is "adaptive." Everything i do, i do it differently in order to just get stuff done. It's like within the spinal cord injured world...there's lots of us. Some people are obsessed with "walking again" because that is "right" that is how we should be. We should be upright and walk and not use wheels. Some aren't bothered and some...well I'd hate to walk again. It'd freak me out because i'd be so high up and i'd walk funny because of my wonkiness and you know what...i quite enjoy looking at how far i have come in adapting in order to live the way i do. So there's some things we can never have. And some things we can, but we just need to get them in our own way.



So my sit-ski season.
it's been all i've wanted it to be, to be honest.
I don't want to be a racer...i'm an explorer/nosy person/adventurer...and i like the feeling of skiing...it's like riding a bike.
But i've really found how strong i actually am internally and how tough i am externally and on myself.
But now i know...i've got to really physically embrace my physical self, not just think happy thoughts so i can do it all mentally because that can just cause crazy confusion!

So my first season has had crazy ups and downs but lots of laughs and good times and people and millions and trillions of moments i wouldn't even be able to fit into a blog post because they're pricelss and mine and i'll cherish them forever.  So listen to that song...it'll forever remind me of my first season and how being you in every aspect is ok, or just how it is! And if that's not ok then... just go home!

i just like this picture of my dog in my chair...so thought i'd share!

Oh...and i kind of forgot to mention how i lost my ski on the Lion's gate bridge...but we don't need to go into that. ;)

Emmy The Great - Iris

I love Emmy The Great. Probably my favourite female artist.
And her songs are so relatable.
This song and this video even is a very easy/creative way to explain how things are, how i am and how i still am that curious little girl running round the garden getting her school uniform muddy and doing weird things in the shed and talking to trees...

I still do that, but observe and look back at things with a  guitar in hand. :)

The blogger is back! Maybe i was hibernating?

So I guess I've been taking "time off". Not time off from doing anything, but time off from presenting and portraying and sharing what i do with the wider world. Though, my usage of Facebook has skyrocketed! Instead of thinking too much about what i'm doing and being well focussed and driven i've been going along through feeling. Which is fine, and ok. This is my gap year, my year off; and let's face it, i think i am allowed to do that!

However...over the last few weeks...the guilt has began to creep up my wonky spine and the feeling of slouching into a comfortable rut has began to make me restless as i've watched the sun slowly creep into my mental cave. Yes, i get moments of paranoia and worry that I haven't "done enough stuff" but i've come to discover that this anxiety is very much a part of me and i will always be like that. Whether it's on a day where i've spent too much time on the internet, trying and failing to sing and play guitar or one where I've got up at the crack of dawn, skied peak to creek, pushed 2 miles and made a jelly. (i don't know where "making a jelly" came from...but it's a good example!)

I guess the best way to describe how I have been recently is, "19". Well...the nearest i can get to acting my age that is. I'll always own an old head on young, battered shoulders but recently i've just thought.."f*** it". And relaxed. Well, now i'm bored and restless of that.


My hair is back to being colourfully dip-dyed...(purple this time folks!), the wandering round Downtown Vancouver listening to "This is England" and "straight to hell" will continue, but the drive and momentum has returned. I don't know where from, but it has. It's a little like when your a kid and the week before you start back to school during the summer holidays you feel ready to write essays about a new period of history. Or a more accurate comparison to my situation right now, is a little like my study of American civil Rights. It's time to step things up a notch and look deeper and work harder. Like...going from my year 10 perspective of "MLK is good, Black Nationalism is bad" to my year 13 "crazy idea" of, "I think i'm going to do my entire history coursework on Black Nationalism" and then proceed to get full marks from it. (I still smirk gleefully at this accomplishment!) Though a lot like my Black Nationalism coursework...(and the staff of the Winstanley History Department will vouch for me!) I really, really struggle with organisation, structure, focus and time keeping. It's just how I am. But when i tackle these little characteristics and tie them down  and actually get to the point and focus on what i want to achieve then...well...the outcomes can often turn out pretty amazing! There was this day, (probably pretty much exactly a year ago...as i spookily just read a "deadline"status from the history department's Facebook) where i was sat in the history cupboard with Ruth (my former teacher) with one of my many drafts of coursework splattered  mixed up and all over the desk. "This is good!" She said (along these lines at least) , "It's just all mixed up and there's extra bits you don't need, thrown in..but it's finding those bits to take out, without getting rid of the good stuff that's difficult!"...and that's me. That is an exact and perfectly accurate portrayal of my brain, heart and everything in between. But it's ok. I know that it is possible to sort it out and get what i want from "it" in order to do great things. As...well, i've done it, haven't i? From that mixed up mash of words, ideas and new exciting discoveries...i got full marks! All through shear hard work, focus and some how managing to tame the "wild parts" of me that make me "me" and fuel the successful "me". They just sometimes create way too many emissions!

So I know I can do it. And by writing this, I am making a start of "doing it" and addressing "it." I will never attempt to remove my crazy excited and hyper-active characteristics that allow me to be a political-historical geek/Folk-punk rock fan who watches the BBC 6 o'clock news at 11am.; Who also bizarrely wants to build a career in outdoor adaptive recreation and use my skills that i steal from all over to create something brilliant! It would be stupid to even attempt that. But i can figure and now pro-actively control and mould my own characteristics and emotions the way i want, not what anyone else wants and do that with the physical and concrete aspects of my life. I get anxious when it comes to decision making through the fear of "letting people down". Being injured at what now looks like a very early age, i've become all too aware of the stops people appear to put out in order to allow me to do what I want to do. But that sometimes, is just how it is. And i've got to just allow myself to to breath, relax and understand that it is ok to change your mind and kindly decline offers...even after accepting them because well..yes, i may be "Marvellous Miss Laura May" who appears driven (apparently) but i'm 19 and my life has been a roller-coaster over the last few years. I've now had a bit of time to slow down and think a little...i've taken a step back away from the track and instead of jumping on a flying train a million miles long packed with people, suitcases and stray dogs, I've decided to wait for the bus and...it's just arrived and looks half full to me.

In short, I'm declining my accepted offer from the University of Cumbria to study outdoor education and I'm going to apply to study Outdoor Recreation Management at Capilano university here...in Vancouver.

It's amazing what you can discover when you're not really searching.

I should have written but i've been busy and it's been so long now...how do i fit 3 weeks of vancouver/Whistler into a tiny blog post?

I promise i'll make a video log...that'll probably be easiest way to get the crazy fun across!
I just made a little Facebook status...that is totally not accurately about my trip to Canada but it's true and  a bit of a round up to make you think and realise, even on the most normal days where not much happens, "wow, i got here and i've done stuff and everything i've done and people around me have done is why i'm here..." That may be a good or bad situation and from that thought...well you know that you can move forward. Maybe i should do exactly that in moments where i think i am the world's most terrible skier! 

"Sometimes we get so stuck in the moment that we just need to take a breather and look at our past to see the bits and pieces that have built up to make us who we are now and realise that right now is just another bit or piece to our puzzle-ing lives! Mine is a supersize 3D jigsaw with electrical buts, running water and the odd broken bit hanging off...Basically i've had a quick scroll through my facebook timeline from when i joined and oh my tree...how my life has been...interesting...lots of bits and pieces...i always wanted but never believed i'd be doing what i'm doing right now. No, i'm not in some top flashy university or job but i'm building...i'm adding bits and pieces to my puzzle...(yes, i still write and use words like i did when i was 10) and know that i'm on an interesting and fun, exciting path that's true to me. We're all the same really...and the truly amazing bits of us remain forever...and so do the dorky, awkward parts that we don't always like to admit to...i'll go watch the thick of it and sleep...good morning britain! mwahaha i am soooo upside down!"

So...i haven't taken any pics of myself much but i've taken pics of stuff!

Few from the Gondola of grouse mountain, coming back
from one of my Wednesday night ski lessons.

I tried out nordic skiing! It was pretty easy to be honest...
think i shocked a few people at how strong i really arm. Do
not be mislead by my skinny-looking body|!

Went on a bit of a roll to Britannia Bay (ye, really weren't very original
when we named places over here...

This is me near the top of Blackcomb with Sian's wonderful
yellow helmet...as i left my beautiful black one in the bar
on top of Grouse...oops!

Meeting a family pet! Charlotte the hedgehog...how cute!
She huffs like angus!

A really random steam powered clock in pretty gas town
it's the "old" looking part of Vancouver! 

Got to have goggles to match my dyslexia, right?

A beautiful view of the mountains from coal harbour...just went
on a push to exercise and discovered it!

And for future...this is the view from my hotel.

:)

So ye, I'm having  a pretty good time!

Things are moving quick and productive with my "getting to Vancouver" plans...but seriously, sometimes..what a faff!

I promised this blog wasn't just going to be all "oh wow, i had this amazing experience!" So, this isn't a negative post. This is a reality post of stuff i'm having to do at the moment to get places. It's not a moan it's a "This is what i've got to do." it might possibly help someone or it might just inform and make a few people who've never thought of stuff, aware of what i've got to do in order to just be free and go over to Canada for four months on my own.

None of what i'm doing is new. So many eople do this all the time...just thought i'd write it down. :)

To make things simple, and easier to manage what i tend to do when i'm planning anything (like most people) i break things down. Initially i break tasks i need to do, when it comes to "going places" into able bodied/non-able bodied stuff. So your normal "sorting phone, money..." which apparently sometimes people find stressful (seriously, i have to laugh when i see my friends getting stressed by this student finance lark...it is nothing compared to the extra i have to put up with!) Though...as i'm finding right now...it's an extra add-on!

So travelling as a paraplegic 19 yr old with a fringe...
Within Britain...easy. Just attach a wire to top of your boot and shove what you can in there and bam!

Not so simple across seas and continents and as many frank turner-type explanations i can explain my life with...

If you have meds, which admittedly i do, (mainly for acne) you've got to get them in bulk as we
(Britain) are blessed with the NHS and don't want to be paying full wack in another country. The amount i need to take isn't so bad, and if you go face to face to your surgery and say, as I did,"I'm Laura May, i'm going to Canada for 4 months on my gap year and i need that much supply for my medication that's on repeat prescription..." They're pretty good an are like "ok!"
(despite the NHS website saying that a Doctor can only supply 2 months...which proves, as usual, if you just "go for it" you can get it..)

Catheters anyone? i now use coloplast ones and let's face it, i wee a lot!
An interesting occurrence occurred yesterday...i called coloplast to explain and ask if i could get 4 months supply sent over. They're not allowed to...and i found out some really interesting stuff too! apparently  a little box of 30 coloplast speedicath compact catheters is worth £50...so yes, i worked out that every time i go to the toilet, it is worth £1.67 (rounded up)...sad? Of course i am.
So...i could take 750 catheters over the sea and even more land...but what i'm going to do is get my parent to send them over in month-month supply through a courier as again, it would be so much cheaper than buying it when i get to Canada...£50 a week? C-razy!
So that's moving along...but then the interesting occurrence occurred when the lovely lady on the phone noticed that my GP hadn't payed for my prescription for the last few months and i luckily had enough to cover what i needed...otherwise i wouldn't have been able to get catheters. This has happened in the past and apparently happens a lot...it's all to do with the fact that instead of faffing around running back and to to the doctors and chemist i just call up chartered healthcare and they sort all that stuff and i get my catheters delivered the next day...which is great! it's just not when the "professionals" don't do what they should to make life easier...
Hopefully it will all be sorted and i think a renewal for my prepayment prescription certificate is on the cards...don't think i received my last one in the post...even though i did pay!
Oh and then there's the almost faff of trying to sort out getting an indwelling catheter...and needing a travel certificate as you know tubes on legs and stuff...i got a bit of hassle in belfast when they found my intermittent catheters let alone one attached!

So there's a tiny chunk of a day i managed to bundle an hours skiing, mcdonalds and a few rows of knitting into as well...things are getting there and all is good. I'm sad, i get a weird buzz out of getting stuff moving..but it's just me, and i'm lucky i can grab it and do it...

There's a lot more stuff to do!

Mum's gone viral!

No...she hasn't...there's just a few gifs floating around the internet of Jonnie peacock and Adam Hill sitting on Josh Widdecombe's knee and she's in the background...
(She's the woman in the orange cardigan on the left...!!!)
Enjoy!

I wish there was one of her face at Adam's...that was the best face to ever be on a gif...ever!

Quick response to a newspaper cartoon: British government's attitude towards people with disabilities, and i mean "real ones"...

This sums up the current British government’s attitude towards disability pretty well…”oh wow you can win a marathon, you don’t need dla…”

Followed a link on twitter today...and there was simple but informative article in the mirror about how many actually think the paralympics has had  a negative effect upon people's perceptions of disability..

Now, as a very bad person (apologises to History skills) I'm going to sort of sit on the fence, but dangle two legs over one side...personally, i think the paralympics have been great for what people think of people like "me" as not only, to be a paralympian or just cool like me and do cool things, i have to adapt and use different things to function as an "ordinary" human being and then on top of that to do the things i do...well...i just do extra..A lot of people are now aware of that, (and have been for sometimes) but instead of going 'oh isn't she marvellous?" every time i roll into town...now they don't need to!  Which is good, right? But sadly some people only see the superhuman mask, which being big headed, we deserve...but some, especially those who think they know it all, like our government, forget the "human" side.

So here's my initial reaction to the article/cartoon:
No, you Tory twonks. if i, and a lot of other people didn’t have dla we wouldn’t have the money to do ordinary stuff that then enables us and allows us to do ordinary stuff that then enables us and allows us to do “amazing things”…what i do, doesn’t just come out of thin air it comes from me being able to afford, thanks to dla, petrol so i can travel independently, wheelchairs, prescriptions, extra medical supplies, rent is higher in accessible housing(when you can find it) the list goes on….being a para is expensive and in order to be ‘me’ i have to have the tools to make myself into who i am…but sadly this government will probably take away benefits from people like me but will allow lazy arseholes who refuse to have ambition and are quite happy sitting at home, slip through the net. while people like me who yes, have physical “issues” but are open and adapt and strive to live life to the full will suffer…Do they not realise that these cuts to people who are able to work will make amazing, skilled people stuck at home and won’t be able to work and so..hmmm triple dip recession? So not only will people not be able to get in shops to spend money (access here is shit)…they won’t be able to work in the first place and that, my friends is why i am like…you know what, I’ll do what i do and hope that i enlighten myself and a few others and be happy. Sometimes, most often to be honest, you can change the world without trying.

I'm sure you can all pick at it, and argue...but seriously...